This fall I'll be launching my official website - katrinablank.com - and one of the contributing writers for the site will be my brother Michael.
To help you understand my brother, here's an excerpt that may or may not end up in my book...
My dad has always adamantly opposed fortune telling of any sort - unless it is of the charismatic, prophetic type. There was quite the uproar in my family when my brother Michael started co-writing horoscopes for our high school newspaper. My dad requested that he stop, but the horoscopes were helping my brother gain so much popularity with the student body that he refused to give up the column. No one took the horoscopes seriously, but they were always a good time to read. So much so, that I’ve decided to include a reprint in this book.
The Best of Horoscopes
By Michael Langdon Blank & Ray Camilleri
Aries (March 21-April 19):
Use caution with your digestive system today. Better not wear white pants. You will breathe a lot, and blink. Told you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A large hairy man will pass you in the street, only to reappear as a large dog. These supernatural occurrences should not alarm you. Success comes in the form of a spoon.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You will learn of a twin brother, orphaned at birth. This will bring pain, trauma, and a bad haircut. A woman with red hair, Fritos, and a gerbil will bring good news in a dream.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
(kan, ser), - A very harmful growth in body; malignant tumor, formed by abnormal growth of cells. Watch out! No more Luckies (Strikes) for you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
God will appear to you in a vision and say “Man, what was I thinking?” and “By the way, are you going to eat that?”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You will remember something you forgot, only to forget it again. A friend will tell you something poignant, which you will look up in a dictionary. Remember, big words fool dumb teachers.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Reply hazy. Try again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
April showers bring May flowers, but you still reek. Do not accept rides from men named Raul.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
An unusual person will approach you, whom you will kill and eat. Remember, yours is the sign of great lovers and serial killers. Plan your day accordingly.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19):
Shave off all your hair and replace it with Chia Pet. Remember, the spork of justice conquers all.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
If you like 70’s music, stand up. Now, if you like 80’s music, lift one arm. If you have risen from the dead, sit down. Thank you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
What exactly is a pisces? It’s a fish - a dead, bloated, ugly, smelly, slimy fish that I wouldn’t even waste a worm on. Keep your spirits up; the good humor of reporters will cheer you.
The horoscopes, along with his frequently worn SPAM shirt, help my brother secure the title of Class Clown his senior year of high school. He was also rather smart, so he used his wit to introduce advance vocabulary words to his classmates. The word that spread most quickly (especially in the cafeteria) is masticate. The word was often used to torment underclassmen who were trying to eat their lunch. A senior would hover over a freshman and loudly exclaim, “I can’t believe you’re masticating in front of everyone!” My brother, now in his mid-30s, works in public radio and dabbles in stand-up comedy, bicycling, recycling, and yoga.