I'm going to break the rules of blogging tonight and write on my blog what ought to be reserved for a journal.
I know, you're probably thinking, this is going to be good - the juicy details of Katrina's life.
Actually, no. No juicy details (unless you want me to write about the Whopper Junior I ate for lunch, which I won't - oh, but wait, I just did), but I will write my honest thoughts on my experience today at Willow Creek's Global Leadership Summit.
At the end of the Summit today, Bill Hybels had us stand up and read together the following commitment prayer:
God, this is a new day. I freshly commit myself to the role you have invited me to play, as you are building your Church in this world. I am awestruck again today that you include me in this grand life-giving, world-transforming endeavor. So today I joyfully offer you:
And My Gratitude
I commit all myself to the role you have assigned me in the building of your Church so that it may thrive in this world. And I will "bring it" today. I will bring my best. You deserve it. It is the Hope of the World.
I stood with everyone else, except I didn't read the words of the prayer. I couldn't. Instead I teared up and my thoughts spoke over the rest of the people praying aloud in the auditorium.
"It's too hard." My heart spoke. "It's too hard."
And then I tried to make a deal with God. I explained to God what He wants me to do and what He's given me vision for, is simply too hard to do alone. I told God, if he wants me to read that prayer, He first needs to bring someone into my life. I can't do this solo. I need the support and synergy of doing this in conjunction with a husband. Otherwise, honestly, I don't want to do this. Yes, I'll still do some, but there's no way I'm going to sign up for something so big without having a partner in life to do this with me. I've already been chopped up and spit out of the blender 3 or 4 times already. If I'm going to get back in the blender, I'm not going to do it alone. Yes, as people have told me, I'm a strong woman, but even I have my limits. I don't think I could survive another round of the blendor on my own.
Later, Bill jokingly wished insomnia on anyone who didn't feel they could pray the prayer. If his wish comes true, I have some sleepless nights ahead of me.
And I know God probably doesn't appreciate bargaining, but it worked on a few occasions throughout the Bible so I thought I'd give it a try today and we'll see how it goes.