Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My Reality Show

I never wrote "The Questioning" blog entry from a few days ago.  It was going to be a blog about how guys who don't share the same faith as me are absolutely baffled by my decision to wait until I'm married to have sex and why it is I'm still a virgin at the age of 34.

But there's too much to write on the topic, and I want the piece to be thorough and meaningful, and well, I don't have time to write it now...

But I did find a piece I wrote when I was 30 years old that is neither thorough or meaninful, but it certainly is entertaining.

Who Wants to Marry a Virgin?  (Written by Me, at age 30)

“Katrina you’re getting too old not to be plucking your eyebrows.  You really need to start shaping them” 

Thanks mom.  I’m also getting too old not to be having sex.  What’s wrong with my eyebrows?  It’s not like I have a una-brow or anything like that.  And I’ve seen the horrendous effects of excessive plucking and accidental waxing.  Eyebrows are already weird enough, but then women go and make them look even weirder.  I just don’t get it. 

My mom expressed her concern about my eyebrows the same year that my dad sat me down and told me that he and my mother would really like for me to go in and see a gynecologist.  I told them I would, but only if they paid for it.  I didn’t have health insurance at the time and I wasn’t about to fork over money to be molested in the name of medicine.

They agreed to pay and so for my 24th birthday they gave a trip to the gynecologist.  To date, it’s the most unique and worst birthday present I’ve ever received.

I finally conceded to getting my eyebrows waxed at the age of 29, and even signed up for another gynecologist appointment on my own.  Gosh, I must be making my parents proud.

But when I went in to see the doctor (a female doctor this time), she told me a pap smear wasn’t really necessary.  She informed me it’s nearly impossible to get cervical cancer or an STD when you aren’t and never have been sexually active.  That’s right.  I’m a 30 year old virgin.

She performed the test anyway just in case I’m the .0000000000001 percent of the population who contract cervical cancer without having sex.  I received the results in the mail a week later, and sure enough - I passed!  I proudly showed my test results to several of my coworkers, successfully making my friend Rick feel horribly uncomfortable.  

I’m hoping my virginity will someday get me somewhere in life – like on Jay Leno or better yet, on a Reality Series called “Who wants to marry a Virgin.”  I’ve thought this show through very carefully.  My second hottest guy friend will host the show, and of course, I will be the virgin.  There will be 25 e-harmony compatible matches to start the show - ALL taller than me.

We’ll begin in LA, and I’ll start to get to know the contestants as we work together at the Dream Center.  After a week, I’ll drop it down to 15 and we’ll all travel to Mexico to work on building a house with Habitat for Humanity.  The number will then drop to 10 and we’ll do a shoe drop in Africa with TOMS shoes and work with orphans.  Then, the remaining 5 contestants will travel with me to Thailand where we will work with girls who have been rescued out of the sex trade.

And hopefully by then, at least one of the guys has fallen for me and I’ve fallen for him.  (If I end up not liking any of the contestants, I’ll just marry the host, my second hottest guy friend – if he’ll agree to it.)

For the season finale we’d get married and remind the world ultimately love is a choice.  Since we’d already have a decent following, we’d then cohost a talk show together – probably about 6 months after the honeymoon.

I shared this idea with a friend and she asked me if it’s requirement for the men to be virgins in order to be on the show.

I said no, explaining I didn’t think I would get a very good pool to choose from.  It’s unfortunate, but true.  While I know plenty of women who are waiting, in hopes of a spouse, I can only think of a handful of single guys who have actually made it into their late twenties, let alone 30s.

As long as he’s taller than me…


A guy I liked for some time once asked me, “Hypothetically speaking, how would feel about marrying a guy like me?  With you saving yourself for marriage and all.”  I don’t know why guys throw out this hypothetical marriage thing – it’s happened to me more than once with guys I wasn’t dating, and I feel it’s a bit of a tease.  I don’t think guys should hypothetically ask you to marry them.  Because it stirs up a lot of not so hypothetical emotions.

By saying “a guy like me” he was referring to the fact he had slept with quite a few women; I’d guess somewhere between 20 and 30, but I’m really not sure.

I explained, not so hypothetically, it wouldn’t be an issue for me.  The same forgiveness Jesus has extended to me, I’d extend to him. 

Granted, it would be a bummer, knowing he had shared himself with so many other women, and whatever we’d have, wouldn’t be quite as special, because everything had already been done before.  And I'd be less than pleased if he passed me an STD, but... it's not a deal breaker like the height thing is for me.

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