He pulled his car over to the side of 8th Avenue between 32nd and 33rd Streets, near Penn Station. This is where we would part ways for the night, but I hadn't yet finished answering his question, so I stayed inside his car a little longer to explain. He wanted to know what I was looking for in a guy.
"I want to be with someone who values me - someone who is thrilled to be with me and doesn't take me for granted."
"That's it?" He questioned.
My answer seems to change every 3 to 5 years, but this is where my answer currently stands. And this answer has nothing to do with the guy himself, but rather it's about how he views and treats me. If a guy cherishes me, I'm hooked.
"Oh, and I want to be with a guy who follows through with his word."
"You mean, a guy who has integrity?"
"Yeah, a guy who has integrity."
Integrity isn't actually what I meant, but it was close enough. I literally meant follow through, and for the times when he doesn't hold to his word, an apology is all I need to know he still values me.
I considered this Friday night car conversation more deeply on my Saturday run, and finally everything about the pursue rules made sense to me. I've always, only heard them explained in context of what a guy needs - they need to pursue a girl, and if you're too readily available, they're wired to lose interest. He has this "stupid" need to pursue. So I have to be passive, sit pretty, and hope some guy, who isn't creepy, will have the balls to ask me out.
But I finally get it. And I get why I need him to pursue me. Because first and foremost in a relationship, I want to be valued. And if a guy isn't willing to pursue me, ultimately it is unlikely I will ever feel valued and treasured in relationship with him.
I'd like to say, done. Time to let the guys pursue. But the problem I've encountered over the years is most guys don't feel like they're good enough for me OR they don't feel like they'd stand a chance with me. And so they drop the idea before the possibility is even explored. And so we're all left on each others radars, with minimal interaction, missing what we don't know.