This month two people called me strong, and another - my mentor friend Kim McManus - called me courageous.
But today, I'm insecure.
Insecure in my future
Insecure in my job (= home & finances)
Insecure in my New York "friendships"
Insecure in my most recent guy "drama," which has quickly subsided to be nothing more than a mysterious encounter coupled with some wishful, chic flick thinking.
And insecure in my academics as my professor confirmed today the F on my transcript, in what was supposed to be my final grad school class. The prof also told me, "You are an excellent writer and a creative thinker," and so I'm oddly encouraged because to me, that evaluation is far more important to me than my ability to reguritiate and critically interact with the BS presented by systematic theologians. For me, systematic theology leads not to God, but rather to a migraine headache as we try to force a mysterious God into the confines of human words and arrogant understanding.
In Yaconelli's book Dangerous Wonder, he quotes a book from the 80s called The Myth of Certainty.
"The goal of faith is not to create a set of immutabel, rationlized, precisely defined and defendable beliefs to preserve forever. It is to recover a realtionship with God." ~Dan Taylor
Later on in Yaconelli's book we read, "God does not shrink when we know Him, He expands" (136).
Funny, how I can jump out of a plane with no qualms at all, yet...