Soho Night 10.11.12

Tonight my friend Bethanie and I headed downtown, to my friend's place in Soho where Lindsay Lohan showed up one night, but she didn't tonight. 

But a musician named Micah did, and he played an acoustic set.  And as he sang his songs, my thoughts returned to the memories of that particular "venue" over the course of the past year and a half.  I was surprised, actually, how many memories were contained in that one room - from worship nights, to an epic Halloween party, to Sunday night post church dinners.  This home has been one of the most meaningful locations for me during my time in New York City.

Spring 2012 * Young Oceans Concert * Eric Marshall 

I'm thankful for the space - and for the hospitality of the two generous men who so frequently open up their home and invite others in.  Space like this is rare in New York.  And even rarer are people with such space extending such gracious hospitality.  Thank you Travis and Andrew. 

Young Oceans Concert in Soho * Spring 2012

Like Wine

This evening I tweeted:

some stories are like wine, needing time to mature before opening up and sharing... richness comes with time, so does healing #WriterLessons

The book I'm working on includes stories of the past - like ones up until Aug 2010.  What's fascinating, is by the end of 2010 I thought I had finally "arrived" at a place of success and safety, only to be swept back up into a tornado less than a year later.  In this, I've realized, there is no arrival point, but rather life is an ongoing series of trials and events, and victories and celebrations.

At the beginning of last week I e-mailed the following to a friend:

"Living out of my car as a homeless, couch-surfing, vagabond, isn't a good situation for me to be in with my health being as such. And it is difficult to write and job search in such circumstances. Today I found a decent deal on a short-term sublet that I'll be staying at from this Friday, Oct 5 until Sunday, Oct 21. Only a few more days of praying for couches to sleep on; I'm thankful."

Yesterday I tweeted:

the # 1 adjective people use to use to describe me is "random." this year the word shifted to "strong." almost through the storms #thankful

My health has been poor for nearly a year now, and over the summer my health got progressively worse.  My parents watched me in my weakness and pain - through my fatigue episodes, and nauseating migraines.  The silent tears of July turned into wailing by summer's end, and my parents begged me not to return to New York.

My sister told me on the phone just last week, "Mom and Dad are worried that you're going to die of a brain aneurysm or seomthing and that they're never going to see you again."

That's when I got scared.  Because over the course of the past several months I've felt my body being destroyed.  And I wondered if satan would win my body, because he knows he can't take my heart. 

But that's part of the reason I knew I had to get back to New York.  I needed to be reconnected to my body - my local church body.  For some reason I knew that if I could back to my church, the healing would begin. 

And it has... I'm still not fully recovered, but I know I'm getting there, and it won't be long now before I'm walking in the fullness of who God intended me to be - healthy and whole.

A few days ago a woman who attended the fall conference I coordinated wrote me the following message:

Katrina,

So beautiful inside and out. Thank you for your kindness and all your hard work. I appreciated it and was a true beneficiary of it. Everything went splendidly! Thank you for seating me at the dinner with some wonderful people whom were warm and inviting, as I was there alone. May the Lord bless your servant heart in the days ahead and give you the desires of your heart, even those from a little girl...He says to Dream Again...You've caught Our Father's eye...

I'm ready to dream again... just need my body to cooperate with me.  Praying for soon.

Initiative Part II

Initiative Part I

A friend of mine from college, who now works at the University of Michigan, recently posted on my facebook wall the following:

Excited to judge tryouts for the Women's Club Cheer Team - started 15 years ago by an awesome person named Katrina!! — with Katrina Blank at Central Campus Recreation Building.

And I commented:
looooooove this! funny, back in 1997 the person i spoke w/at the UM's athletic department said i couldn't start this group, so i called up the lions, hoping to get a pro team started... they said no too. but then i learned, if you get 5 signatures, you can start ANY group on on Michigan's campus - cheers to overcoming obstacles in making your dreams come true! :) often times our noes in life are our answers en route to finding our yeses. tears, prayers, and a good friend named Emily Cheng Nelson also helped bring about this group. thrilled to know it still exists!

Erwin McManus claims we're all made of the same stuff.  But I'm starting to question this claim.  Because reflecting back on my college experience,  no one "taught" me to take initiative, but rather, I just did.  And I don't think it's "normal" to go after something like I did, and to continue to go after my "dream" despite such opposition.  Most people would have given up if not at the first no, then at the second.  But for some reason, I refused to take no for an answer. 

Granted, the "cause" I fought for in college was seemingly trite, but I loved cheerleading enough to not let it go to the wayside, simply because I was 5'8" and much too tall for the coed team.

And so 15 years ago I created what today is this:
http://www.umich.edu/~mcheer/UMich_All-Girl_Cheer/Home.html

But I mention intiative, because although it may not be as natural for eveyone else like it is for me, it's still within each and every one of us.  I suppose that's where Erwin is correct in his claim.  The potential to take initiative is there, but some people are more apt than others to step forward and pursue possibility.

So what is it that holds us back from making our ideas a reality?

Value

He pulled his car over to the side of 8th Avenue between 32nd and 33rd Streets, near Penn Station.  This is where we would part ways for the night, but I hadn't yet finished answering his question, so I stayed inside his car a little longer to explain.  He wanted to know what I was looking for in a guy. 

"I want to be with someone who values me - someone who is thrilled to be with me and doesn't take me for granted."

"That's it?"  He questioned.

My answer seems to change every 3 to 5 years, but this is where my answer currently stands.  And this answer has nothing to do with the guy himself, but rather it's about how he views and treats me.  If a guy cherishes me, I'm hooked.

"Oh, and I want to be with a guy who follows through with his word."

"You mean, a guy who has integrity?"

"Yeah, a guy who has integrity."

Integrity isn't actually what I meant, but it was close enough.  I literally meant follow through, and for the times when he doesn't hold to his word, an apology is all I need to know he still values me. 

I considered this Friday night car conversation more deeply on my Saturday run, and finally everything about the pursue rules made sense to me.  I've always, only heard them explained in context of what a guy needs - they need to pursue a girl, and if you're too readily available, they're wired to lose interest.  He has this "stupid" need to pursue.  So I have to be passive, sit pretty, and hope some guy, who isn't creepy, will have the balls to ask me out.

But I finally get it.  And I get why I need him to pursue me.  Because first and foremost in a relationship, I want to be valued.  And if a guy isn't willing to pursue me, ultimately it is unlikely I will ever feel valued and treasured in relationship with him. 

I'd like to say, done.  Time to let the guys pursue.  But the problem I've encountered over the years is most guys don't feel like they're good enough for me OR they don't feel like they'd stand a chance with me.  And so they drop the idea before the possibility is even explored.  And so we're all left on each others radars, with minimal interaction, missing what we don't know.

Electrified

I didn't realize what my friend Bethanie and I had gotten ourselves into until I returned home this evening and googled our experience.

http://www.intel.com/content/www/us/en/ultrabook/experience/electrified/program.html

Bethanie and I were less than impressed with the display because we didn't realize it was a real person in the middle of the electricity display.  We simply thought it was some robot. 

Ha!  So instead of taking pics and being intrigued by David Blaine's "show," our interest was diverted to the fireworks show that started up over the Hudson.

 

The Vagabond

For the past 36 days and 36 nights, I've bounced from one location to the next... living out of my car and laying my head down at night at over 18 locations in 8 different cities... never staying in the same home for more than 2 nights in a row... 

According to Wikipedia and Dictionary.com, my existence has become that of a Vagabond.

Today I moved into what will be some sort of semblance of home for the next 16 nights.  A 2 and 1/2 week stay any where is a far cry from home, but at least it's a consistent place for me to sleep and write for a decent time frame, and for that, I'm especially grateful..

On my afternoon run through Central Park, the song Home by Mumford and Sons, came on over my little AM/FM radio. 

As I listened to the lyrics, "Settle down, it'll all be clear" I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps that is what God is asking me to do here in NYC.  I've told many I'm thinking of moving back to LA in after the New Year, but now, I'm not so certain...

Lyrics to Home :

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Perhaps my time in NYC is intended to be more than a 2 year stint. Perhaps it's time to make this place my home. 

Acoording to Wikipedia

A vagrant or a vagabond is a person, often in poverty, who wanders from place to place without a home or regular employment or income. Other synonyms include "tramp", "hobo", "schnorrer".

According to Dictionary.com

vag·a·bond 

 

adjective

1. wandering from place to place without any settled home; nomadic: a vagabond tribe.

2. leading an unsettled or carefree life.

3. disreputable; worthless; shiftless.

4. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a vagabond: vagabond habits.

5. having an uncertain or irregular course or direction: a vagabond voyage.

noun

6. a person, usually without a permanent home, who wanders from place to place; nomad.

7. an idle wanderer without a permanent home or visible means of support; tramp; vagrant.

8. a carefree, worthless, or irresponsible person; rogue.