Friday, February 11, 2011

Sex & Eyebrows

I intended to save it for marriage - specifically for my honeymoon. But I'm nearing 33 years old and I simply can't wait any longer, hoping that someday someone will choose me as his "the one."

I had to do this for me. Even though I wanted it for us - the reality is, there is no "us" and there is no guarentee that there ever will be. The sex I'm still reserving for my hypothetical honeymoon, but the place I'd been saving for sex is now the location where I'll be celebrating my 33rd Birthday.

Hawaii here I come!!!

And on this topic, here's an excerpt I wrote several years ago:

“Katrina you’re getting too old not to be plucking your eyebrows. You really need to start shaping them”

Thanks mom. I’m also getting too old not to be having sex. What’s wrong with my eyebrows? It’s not like I have a una-brow or anything like that. And I’ve seen the horrendous effects of excessive plucking and accidental waxing. Eyebrows are already weird enough, but then women go and make them look even weirder. I just don’t get it.

My mom expressed her concern about my eyebrows the same year that my dad sat me down and told me that he and my mother would really like for me to go in and see a gynecologist. I told them I would, but only if they paid for it. I didn’t have health insurance at the time and I wasn’t about to fork over money to be molested in the name of medicine.

They agreed to pay and so for my 24th birthday they gave a trip to the gynecologist. To this day, it’s the most unique and worst birthday present I’ve ever received.

I finally conceded to shaping my eyebrows at the age of 29, and even signed up for another gynecologist appointment on my own. Gosh, I must be making my parents proud.

But when I went in to see the doctor (a female doctor this time), she told me that the pap test wasn’t really necessary. Mainly because it’s nearly impossible to get cervical cancer or an STD when you aren’t and never have been sexually active. That’s right. I’m a 30 year old virgin.

She performed the test anyway just in case I fall in the .0000000000001 percent of the population that contract cervical cancer without having sex. I received the results in the mail a week later, and sure enough - I passed! I proudly showed my test results to several of my coworkers, successfully making my friend Rick feel horribly uncomfortable.

I’m hoping my virginity will someday get me somewhere in life – like on Jay Leno or better yet, on Reality Series called “Who wants to marry a Virgin.” I’ve thought this show through very carefully. My second hottest guy friend will host the show, and of course, I will be the virgin.

(But I can't post the concept for the show online for fear that the idea will be stolen...)

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