Ramblings

This should probably be a journal entry rather than a public blog because what I am about to write will be less than brilliant, less than entertaining, and less than worth reading. But my paper journal is no longer inviting to write in - I think because there is no delete button and if I ever wanted to post a portion of my journal online, I’d first have to type it out. And in the process of typing I’d decide it isn’t worth posting unless I first spend an hour reworking and revising because rumor has it that Zondervan Publishing occasionally visits my blog.

I’m writing from a fancy, schmancy hotel lounge located at the Westin Mission Hill Spa & Resort in Rancho Mirage. For those of you who don’t speak geography or $$$, I’m writing from Southern California just down the road from Palm Springs, a couple hours inland from the Pacific Ocean. My sister and MBA Harvard-in-law booked a suite for the Thanksgiving holiday and that’s why I’m here.

It’s the type of place that reminds me that if I ever have a family, we’ll be going tent camping, because there’s no way in heck we’d ever be able to afford a place like this for family vacations. It really is a bit like paradise and I considered earlier today that perhaps the architects scammed some of their design ideas from the Bible’s description of heaven.

The resort reminds me of the resort I stayed at when my mission team traveled to Mombasa, Kenya (i.e. East Africa) for a 2 night stay at the White Sands Resort. The main difference is the view of the neatly groomed golf course rather than the Indian Ocean. But what is most similar is how alone I felt then, and how alone I feel now. So maybe it’s not so much heaven.

I’m sitting here not wanting to go home, because as soon as I go home, I work. And I’ve been working since June, so I’m not wanting to go back to my dorm world just quite yet – because someone will ask me a question or inform me that a fire alarm is beeping, or someone will have puked and I’ll need to go clean it up, or someone is…oh, wait, that’s confidential. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I love my girls, I love my RA staff – it’s just hard at times to live where you work.

So I thought maybe I’d get hit on tonight. But this isn’t the type of establishment that brings in a lot of singles, and even if it did, without my surfboard, it probably wouldn’t happen because men only seem to hit on me when I have my board with me. That’s why July is a “good” month – or at least it was this past summer.

Santa is outside. So is a Christmas tree – neatly framed between two Pal m Trees. And it’s snowing, but not really. It’s fake - kind of how I feel about many of my relationships – they feel a little less than authentic. I realized today that even my sister hardly knows me. I miss the days of best friends – Kristen, Billie, Jonna, Sally, Christina, Melissa, and Emily – they’re all gone – or so it seems.

And I just want to be known again – deeply and intimately.

You may be tempted to point out Psalm 139. I already know it.

The question is will I cave in search for a new best friend? My friend Joy recommends e-harmony. But how specific can you get on e-harmony? Can you preference men that are willing to die for the sake of the gospel? And men that would make great co-hosts for my future talk show? Hmmm…

EDIT

So I did it. Under my favorite fake name, I created a profile and discovered that I have 8 matches in the world - that aren't really matches at all. I've deleted my fake account. Forget e-harmony. :)

The SHE Tribe

The Title of my next book project:

The Uncovered Stories of the SHE Tribe

This is a book I won't be writing alone, but rather it will be the voices of many women who have banded together in Los Angeles to form the SHE tribe. The SHE community consists of women from around the world of diverse backgrounds, but of the same God. The women will tell stories. . .

I'll be back to finish this post.

Angela, if you're reading this, what do you think? :)

Tonight I Would Say

Dear Friend of the Past,

Tonight I would say, never mind what I told you last night.
I just heard the news - congrats on your engagement.

Tonight I Would Tell You

Dear Friend of the Past,

Tonight I would tell you that I heard Nick speak last night. I would tell you that his talk changed my perspective, or shall I say my frustration with why God only heals some of the time. I would tell you that I'm glad you had the opportunity to meet him on your way to the airport.

Tonight I would tell you that I picked up the latest Jimmy Eat World CD. I would thank you for introducing me to their music and I would ask, "Are they still your favorite band?"

Tonight I would tell you about Megan's dream job. And I would ask, "Can you help her get it?" because I know you know the right people.

Tonight I would tell you that I remembered today the time we were supposed to meet up the beach, but our plans were thwarted by the rain.

Tonight I would tell you the brilliant song lyric that I came up with. "Words may slip. And so might I. I slip your hand into mine." And I would offer it to you because you're the better song writer.

Tonight I would tell you, I'm glad we're friends again.

Tonight, well, tonight would never happen.

The Best of Text Messages Still in my Phone

April 4, 2007 Fr: Mike Duff
On the plane right now. Call you in awhile.
Um… isn’t your cell phone supposed to be turned off?

December 29, 2006 Fr: David Douglas
Did mike give you a reply? He is being evasive and putting all the decision making on me.
Um… who uses the word “evasive” in a text message?

October 3, 2007 Fr: Lauren Pollard
I love you more than albino squirrels
Um… thanks? Actually there are albino squirrels in Minneapolis; I saw one in my sister’s neighborhood.

July 15, 2007 Fr: Shannen Norman
Sooo…I served phil wickham tonite, yup its true
Um…that’s just cool.

December 21, 2006 From David Douglas
I think I have just the guy for you…
Um… okay. Could you ship him Fed Ex from New York to LA?

September 2, 2007 Fr: Cindy Steiger
I had a dream that you were pregnant – do you need to tell me something?
Um… no sex here. Unless the Holy Spirit is working over-time in my life, I think I’m in the clear.

June 22, 2007 Fr: Laura Paulus
Sorry if I am waking you up but wanted to share that Sarah just asked Jesus into her heart. We have been talking about it for several days and she prayed.
Um… Laura’s 5 year old daughter prayed the prayer, but her 3 year old daughter thought it would hurt too much to have Jesus come and live inside of her.

Slower Than Slow

The thought occurred to me tonight that I won’t be able to do it – that I won’t be able to finish this book that I keep talking about and that people keep telling me they can’t wait to read.

A different someone asks me every day how the book is coming along. My response is always the same: slow. Is there a word for slower than slow?

My job is not conducive to being a writer. And my seminary work doesn’t help. I’m envious of Rick Warren who was able to set aside 7 months to simply write. No wonder his book was a best seller.

I guess I’m a bit discouraged, because I really was almost finished. But then I had to go and change directions in my writing and any brilliant work that I had accomplished was thrown to the wayside.

I’m feeling a bit uninspired. Maybe I need better background music and picking up the newest CDs by Phil Wickham, Jimmy Eat World, and Dashboard Confessional is the answer.

Or maybe I need a different scented candle to burn.

Erwin McManus tells me that there is no such thing as writer’s block. So why do I have it?

Don’t worry, I’ll finish the book.
Determination, perseverance, and commitment are a part of who I am.
I wouldn't leave you all hanging.

Hit On at In-N-Out

For those of you unfamiliar with In-N-Out most have two drive-thru lanes to choose from. Tonight I wrongly chose the lane on the right and was accosted by a customer on the left.

“Welcome to In-N-Out. Can I take your order?”
“Um. . .” Do I want regular fries or animal fries?
“I’ll just have an order fries.” Decision made.
“Is that all?” Hmm… I could still switch to animal fries.
No… I just need something to drink, but I already had 2 Diet Cokes today…
“Could I also get a glass of water?”
“Sure.”
I smiled at the speaker because my scant order seemed a bit ridiculous.
A guy in the passenger’s seat of a truck in the neighboring lane smiled back at me.
Uh oh.
“1 order of fries and 1 glass of water. That will be $1.28.”
“Is that really all you’re going to get?”
So truck man wants to talk.“Yeah. I’m not super hungry.” It was a late night snack – not dinner.
“So where are you headed from here?”
“Back to CBU.”
“Do you go there?”
“Kind of.”
I work there, but he doesn’t need to know that.
“Oh, well I live in the apartments right next to campus.”
“Huh. That’s cool.”
Why is this guy talking to me? And why is my car window still unrolled?
Oh good. His truck is moving up. Roll up the window – quick.
And don’t look back over in his direction.
Okay… $1.28. I have a lot a pennies; maybe I can get rid of some.
1…2 ….3… 24…25
KNOCK KNOCK
I jumped.
Are you serious? I can’t believe this guy is actually standing outside of my car.
I politely unroll my window and am doused with the smell of pot.
“Are you single?”
“Yes. But I wouldn’t say that I’m available.”
I’m definitely not available to date you. Call me picky, but I’m just not into scraggly, 21 year old pot heads, but I suppose I should give him some sort of explanation.
“I’m working on publishing a book and I think I’ll be able to market it better being single.”
“So I would be roadblock for you?”
“Yeah… I guess.”
“Well, have a good night.”
“You too.”

He returned to his truck and I returned to my pennies, feeling somewhat guilty for not introducing myself. And I could have been nicer. And… no I won’t feel bad… he was sketchy.
“Hit On” Evangelism is just too tricky.